Article Overview
By Bill Frye, LMFT, Certified Discernment Counselor
If you’re asking “should we divorce or stay together?” this specialized approach can help. I guide mixed-agenda couples through a short-term process to understand their options when one partner wants to work on the marriage while the other is considering leaving. In Spokane, I help couples gain the clarity they need to make the best decision for their future.
If you’re asking “should we divorce or stay together?” you’re not alone. This is one of the most painful questions couples face. And if you and your partner aren’t even on the same page about whether to work on things, you’re in what I call a “mixed-agenda” relationship. Here in Spokane, I see this often and I know exactly how to help.
Some couples arrive at this crossroads after years of drifting apart. They no longer feel “in love” or connected. Others are here after an affair or significant breach of trust. No matter how you arrived at this point, Discernment Counseling is likely the best first step toward clarity.
One of the hardest situations in couples therapy is when one or both partners aren’t sure they even want to keep the marriage going. Bill Doherty, the founder of Discernment Counseling, calls this a “mixed-agenda” couple. One person is “leaning in” and wants to work on things. The other is “leaning out” and thinking about leaving. By the time couples come in at this point, they’re often so out of sync that traditional therapy feels impossible.
Why Traditional Couples Therapy Doesn’t Work Here
Several years ago, I found myself feeling completely lost with couples who walked through my door in Spokane. About 25% had one partner almost certain they wanted to end the relationship while the other desperately wanted to save it. Or both were deeply unsure. I spent far too much time and energy without even being clear on what the goal was.
The reason for the frustration? Traditional marriage counseling is the wrong place to start. It can waste time and money. Discernment Counseling is where you need to begin.
As a Marriage and Family Therapist and certified Discernment Counselor, I help couples at the crossroads of one of the most difficult decisions they’ll ever make. I set aside any agenda and simply help you see clearly. No matter what the outcome, I’ve never worked with a couple that regretted slowing down and taking a hard look at their realities and options.
Ready to get clarity about your relationship? Schedule your discernment counseling consultation in Spokane today.
Who Should Start with Discernment Counseling?
Mixed-Agenda Couples
This approach is specifically designed for couples where one partner is “leaning out” toward divorce. The other wants to save the marriage. Sound familiar?
Couples on the Brink
It’s for couples who aren’t ready for traditional couples therapy. You first need help making a firm decision about the future of the relationship. If you’ve tried rebuilding trust but still feel uncertain, discernment counseling can help.
What Is the Discernment Counseling Process?
Discernment Counseling is a short-term, laser-focused intervention. It’s often easier for the “leaning out” partner to show up because there’s no pressure to commit beyond the first session. The process involves one to five sessions. After each session, both individuals decide if they want to continue or end the process if they’ve reached clarity.
Each session follows a specific protocol. This ensures I stay focused on the goal of deciding which path to take. I don’t get bogged down in grievances or demands for change. There’s no pressure to arrive at any particular outcome. Each 90-minute session includes time for both joint and individual discussions.
At Renewed Stories Counseling in Spokane, I work hard to remain a neutral facilitator. I guide couples toward a clear picture of their relationship and potential paths forward. After a maximum of five sessions, couples arrive at one of three paths: divorce, all in, or status quo.
The Three Possible Outcomes
1. Divorce or Separation (About 40%)
About 40% of couples who start discernment counseling decide that ending the relationship is the best path forward. While that’s never the outcome I hope for, counseling can make the process less overwhelming. Couples often use a few sessions to talk through how to separate with the least amount of hurt.
I help minimize damage to each other, to finances, and especially to children. These conversations create space to share fears, express needs, and even offer forgiveness. Even when a relationship ends, this honest dialogue brings relief, clarity, and hope for the future. I’ve helped couples in Eastern Washington end things well instead of spending tens of thousands of dollars on lawyers. And I help them coparent well instead of doing more damage to their children.
2. “All In” Couples Therapy (About 40%)
Approximately another 40% of couples commit to structured, six-month couples therapy. They actively work on the marriage. Of those, the vast majority end up in a far better place than they started.
Couples who’ve gone through Discernment Counseling are often ready for deeper marriage counseling. This work is intentional and structured. I draw from approaches like Gottman Therapy, Emotionally Focused Therapy, and person-centered therapy. I tailor the process to each couple’s unique needs. Some partners start skeptical, but those willing to do the hard work often discover strengths and connection they’ve been missing.
Considering going “all in” on your marriage? Learn more about working with me and my couples therapy approach.
3. Maintain the Status Quo (Least Common)
This is the least common outcome. After taking a hard look at the relationship, some couples decide to stick with things as they are. Some decide the relationship is “good enough.” Others opt to be good roommates until children leave home or finances allow separation later. Even this outcome can be a big win when it’s made with eyes wide open.
Finding a Qualified Discernment Counselor in Spokane
I firmly believe Discernment Counseling is the critical first step for couples on the brink of ending their relationship. If you’re seeking a discernment counselor in Spokane or Eastern Washington, look for someone trained through Bill Doherty, who developed this approach.
This training is the gold standard for Discernment Counseling. At Renewed Stories, I’m certified through this program. If I don’t have openings, I can help you find someone with this level of training serving the Spokane area.
Common Questions About Discernment Counseling
How is discernment counseling different from regular couples therapy? Traditional couples therapy assumes both partners are committed to working on the relationship. Discernment counseling is designed for when one or both partners are unsure about that commitment. It’s a shorter process focused specifically on helping you decide whether to work on the marriage, end it, or maintain things as they are.
How long does discernment counseling take? The process is designed to be brief, typically one to five 90-minute sessions. After each session, you decide whether to continue. Most couples reach clarity within this timeframe. This shorter commitment often makes it easier for the more hesitant partner to engage.
What if my partner refuses to come? One of the unique aspects of discernment counseling is that I can work with just one partner if needed. While having both partners is ideal, individual discernment counseling can still provide valuable clarity and direction. I help you understand your options and your own contribution to the relationship challenges.
Will you try to convince us to stay together or divorce? Absolutely not. My role as a discernment counselor is to remain completely neutral. I don’t have an agenda for your relationship. My job is to help you gain clarity about your situation and understand your options. The decision about your future is entirely yours.
About Bill Frye, LMFT
I’m a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and certified Discernment Counselor serving couples in Spokane and Eastern Washington. I received my certification in Discernment Counseling directly through Bill Doherty’s training program, the gold standard for this specialized approach. For over 15 years, I’ve been helping couples navigate some of life’s most difficult relationship decisions.
My approach combines compassion with practical guidance. I understand that being at this crossroads in your relationship is incredibly painful. Whether you ultimately decide to work on your marriage or part ways, my goal is to help you move forward with clarity, dignity, and hope for the future.
Related Resources
- Couples Therapy in Spokane – Learn about our comprehensive marriage counseling services
- Rebuilding Trust After Infidelity – Understanding how to heal from betrayal
- Emotionally Focused Therapy – One of the evidence-based approaches we use in couples work
- About Bill Frye – Learn more about my background and approach
- Therapy FAQ – Answers to common questions about starting therapy
Important Disclaimer
The information provided in this article is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health care. Every relationship is unique, and the outcomes described here represent general trends from research and clinical experience. If you’re in crisis or experiencing thoughts of self-harm, please contact the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline by calling or texting 988, or go to your nearest emergency room.
Don’t waste time and money on traditional couples therapy if you’re unsure about your marriage. Contact Renewed Stories Counseling in Spokane to schedule your discernment counseling session and gain the clarity you need.
