Marriage as mountain climbing: the journey of rebuilding trust and connection

When your relationship feels like an impossible peak

When couples come to my office, they often describe their relationship as feeling insurmountable – like staring up at at a seemingly impossible peak. Whether you’re working to rebuild trust after betrayal, improve communication that’s broken down over years, or simply reconnect after drifting apart, for some the journey ahead can feel overwhelming.

Here’s what I’ve learned in my years practicing couples therapy: rebuilding a marriage has a lot in common with mountain climbing. Both require patience, preparation, persistence, and the understanding that the most rewarding views come after the hardest climbs.

After several self led climbs up Mt. Rainer I hired a guide for my most recent trip and realized how much I could learn from a seasoned professional. A skillful guide knows each step, turn, where the hazards are, how to make the climb safely and efficiently, when to rest, when to push forward, and when to pause and enjoy the view. Similarly, I hope to use my expertise to help couples make the climb to connection and security.

The long, hard climb: why trust takes time

Just as no one attempts Everest on their first day, couples rebuilding trust must approach their journey with realistic expectations. Trust isn’t rebuilt in a single conversation or even a single month. The work is a gradual process that requires consistent effort and acceptance that some days will be harder than others.

I often work with couples where betrayals feel like they have shattered their foundation. It takes specialized training and experience to help couples caught in this avalanche of pain and uncertainty. This is slow, steady, one small step at a time work where often the hurt partner feels too exhausted, scared, or uncertain to even start.

The partner who caused the pain often wants to rush ahead, frustrated that forgiveness doesn’t happen quickly. But rushing leads to mistakes and setbacks. Rebuilding trust requires what we call “earned security” – demonstrating through consistent actions over time that you can be relied upon again.

Taking turns leading

One of the most beautiful aspects of both climbing and marriage recovery is how partners must take turns leading. Sometimes the person who was hurt takes the lead, clearly communicating their needs while their partner learns to respond with patience. Other times, the partner who caused the harm leads by consistently demonstrating change.

When climbing, the one in the lead kicks in each step, slowly, carefully choosing each one. The partner following must trust the route, each step, and that their partner will continue the climb. Sometimes, one person needs to sit and rest for a bit before they trust the path and that the other will continue the work. The key is trusting that your partner will rejoin you when they’ve caught their breath.

This isn’t about one person doing all the work. There are days when the betrayed partner feels strong enough to lead difficult conversations. There are other days when they need their partner to take the lead, perhaps by attending therapy sessions or reading books about rebuilding trust, while they focus on their own healing.

The necessity of rest and perspective

We often get so focused on the work of rebuilding that we forget to acknowledge how far we’ve already come. Taking time to appreciate progress – remembering what drew you together, celebrating small improvements, sharing moments of joy – isn’t a luxury. It’s fuel for the journey ahead.

Maybe it’s the first time you had a difficult conversation without it escalating. Perhaps it’s a moment of genuine laughter together, or a day when trust felt a little easier. These moments help you recognize progress that might otherwise go unnoticed.

Pausing to enjoy the view brought through hard work is important as it rebuilds positive associations with your relationship and provides the emotional energy needed for the next challenging section ahead.

When you fall: the advantage of experience

Here’s something important: setbacks are normal. You might have a terrible argument that feels like all your progress has been lost. Trust might feel shattered again by a smaller disappointment. Communication might break down just when you thought you’d figured it out.

But here’s the crucial difference between couples who make it and those who don’t: couples who have already done the work of rebuilding know the path. They know which therapeutic tools helped them communicate better. They know which approaches worked for rebuilding trust. Remember those steps that you already kicked in? They are still there and the path is easier because of the work already done.

This doesn’t make setbacks painless, but it does make them less terrifying. When you’ve successfully navigated the terrain of rebuilding trust once, you have confidence that you can do it again. You know which strategies work and which paths lead to dead ends.

The view: why the climb is worth it

Many couples ask me if their relationship will ever feel “normal” again after a major betrayal or breakdown. Here’s what I tell them: no, it won’t feel the same – it has the potential to feel much stronger.

Couples who successfully rebuild often describe their relationship as more honest, more intentional, and more resilient than before their crisis. They’ve developed communication skills that many couples never learn. They’ve experienced the kind of vulnerability and repair that creates deeper intimacy.

This doesn’t minimize the pain of the journey or suggest that betrayal is somehow beneficial. But it acknowledges a truth I’ve witnessed countless times: couples who do the hard work often create something more beautiful than what they had before.

Few couples ever reach the “summit” of a relationship, there is always more learning and closeness that can be gained. A rookie move in mountaineering is to be focused on the summit and never stopping to enjoy where you are even though you are not at the top. The Gottmans who are respected for their work as marriage and relationship experts talk about the “good enough” relationship. Even if you never reach the summit, you might still find that when you slow down and appreciate where you are it might be good enough that you can enjoy the journey.

What if I don’t know I even want to try?

If one or both partners are unsure that they can make the climb or that they even want to try, Discernment Counseling (DC) should be the first step. DC is intended for a situation where one or both partners are skeptical that the other or the situation can change. It is a short term, focused protocol to decide if they should even start the hard work of marriage counseling.

When turning back might be the choice

Here’s something we don’t often talk about: sometimes the decision is recognizing when to stop. Conditions change. Sometimes despite everyone’s best efforts, the path proves too difficult for that particular couple.

Sometimes one partner discovers they don’t want to continue the journey anymore. Sometimes the situation proves too dangerous – perhaps there’s ongoing infidelity, abuse or addiction that remains untreated. Sometimes the rebuilding process itself reveals fundamental incompatibilities.

In my practice, I’ve worked with couples where the choice wasn’t to keep working together, but to separate with dignity and respect. This isn’t always failure, sometimes it’s wisdom. I help both people reach safe ground, even if that means they’re no longer traveling the same path.

This kind of ending takes its own form of courage. It requires honest communication, thoughtful planning, and often, forgiveness – not for staying together, but for letting each other go with grace.

Helping couples separate with the least amount of damage to themselves, their children, and their finances can be necessary, helpful and important work. Multiple studies show that how you end a relationship has a lasting effect on your children and a ripple that can last for generations. 

Beginning your journey

If you’re standing at the base of your own mountain right now, feeling overwhelmed by how steep the path ahead looks, remember this: you don’t have to do it alone, and you don’t have to do it all at once.

Start with proper preparation – whether that’s couples therapy, individual therapy, or educational resources about relationship repair. Choose a guide who understands the terrain – a therapist trained in evidence-based approaches like Gottman Method or Emotionally Focused Therapy.

Most importantly, remember that every journey begins not with a giant leap, but with one small, brave step forward. The view from the top is worth it. I’ve seen countless couples reach it, and I know you can too.